After 11 years of being in a healthy stable relationship we got pregnant.

After 11 years of being in a healthy stable relationship we got pregnant. We conceived in April 2024 and in May 2024 I found out I was pregnant. I was beyond happy and excited to start a family and raise a baby, and officially starting my own family. But then came a conversation I wasn’t expecting from my partner of 11 years, he said he wasn’t ready financially for children and wasn’t ready to be a dad. I tried to tell him we may never be financially ready and this is something I’ve always wanted. He said I wanted to be part of a trend in reality I only wanted to be a mother. So sadly we decided to have an abortion since I didn’t want to force a child who wouldn’t be loved by both me and my partner, I warned my partner if he didn’t take care of me or support my needs throughout the abortion that it would push me away. We could have made it work with some lifestyle changes and that’s what kills me most. In June 2024 we aborted our baby. At first I felt relieved and as though it was the right decision. But as time passed and the birth date of the baby came in February 2024 I fell into a depression. During that depression I told my partner how depressed I was and that I needed more love and affection as well as compliments as I was seeing myself as a horrible person. Instead of getting called beautiful I got called stinky and hairy instead since I wasn’t showering, shaving or eating properly. It’s now July 2024 and I left my partner of 11 almost 12 years because I regret not having the baby and putting myself and that baby first. He now says he wants to be a dad and get married, I wish he wanted these things when I wanted them as now I don’t know if I can see myself being a mother to his children anymore. Everytime I see a baby, go to a baby shower, see a pregnant woman it hurts. I think about the baby and if they would have my brown hair and his blues eyes. I’m in the worst state of grieving and I feel like my entire life has crumbled since my partner pushed me away, getting me to do something I never imagined myself doing in the first place. I told myself I’d never get an abortion but I let my boyfriend convince me we weren’t ready. When in reality I was and I could have just raised the child myself if it came down to it. I felt like I couldn’t tell me family so I felt so alone. I still feel alone, broken and like a part of me is missing and I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I miss my partner but I don’t miss not receiving the love and support I needed throughout the grieving process and makes me worry if he can’t take care of me through this could he really handle a child?